No one really knows the meaning of value. They take advantage of things they have and show no care for them. People waste their money daily on $8.00 for a large Starbucks coffee or a ridiculous amount for an item of clothing. What people should really be focusing on are the things in life you could not live without and you wouldn't give up for the world.
I ran past a number of figures and could feel them gaining on me. Their footsteps were loud and my heart was pounding as I thrust forward getting faster and faster every step I took. I was so close to being the hero, the winner of the game. I raised my arms slightly and put every ounce of energy I had and thrust the ball forward. It was a perfect shot just in the right hand corner that was unstoppable. I had just won the playoffs for my team and the feeling was indescribable and I felt if I had just won the World Series. Lacrosse has been my passion for the last six years. It is something I can't live without. The sport gives me strength and I feel as if I can to anything. It is what I am best at and I look forward to every Spring. I play the position home, this position is all offense. Out of the three sports I play, lacrosse is what I take most seriously. I want to improve my skills and hopefully be professional when I am older. My goal this year is to make Varsity as a freshman. I will need to get in great shape for this season and I am looking forward to playing the sport I love most.
The Dave Matthews’ Band plays in my ears as I am driving up to New York City. It is four hours away and there is no way I could go that far with the sound of music playing. I always get carsick but can’t really notice anymore because I am so connected to the music I am listening to. My ipod is an item I value. When I am listening to my ipod I get so caught up in the song I don’t notice what is happening around me. From all different types of music, R&B, rap, to country, I love it all. When I am warming up for a game, music from my ipod gives me the energy and confidence I need in order to make a difference for my team and myself.
I value both lacrosse and my ipod. Lacrosse gives me the strength and endurance I need in life. I can let out whatever I want when I am on the field and improve my skills to make myself better at the game. My ipod gives me energy and confidence. It allows me to get away in life for a while and let me think things through. Though lacrosse and my ipod are two completely different things both make me feel better about myself and they are both things I love. Even though they are both things I value, I would choose lacrosse over my ipod any day. My ipod is around 200 dollars with songs included while lacrosse is something you can’t put a price tag on.
7 comments:
boo! The author was trying to say that both of her values gets her pumped and excited. Her ipod gets her body going with the loud beets, while listenging to it while warming up for lacrosse gets her energized and ready to go.
You described lacrosse as being your favorite sport very well. I could picture you out there scoring goals for your team. I liked the quote " ran past a number of figures and could feel them gaining on me. Their footsteps were loud and my heart was pounding as I thrust forward getting faster and faster every step I took. I was so close to being the hero, the winner of the game. I raised my arms slightly and put every ounce of energy I had and thrust the ball forward. It was a perfect shot just in the right hand corner that was unstoppable".
Overall, your strenths in this story was the word choice and descripition. One example was the sound you made when you were running up the lacrosse field. Also the actions you made when you went to take that shot.
I think you could impove on making both your values longer and a little more descriptive. Maybe you could describe what your stick looks like or some more descriptions on you ipod, the color, the kind, the music. Other than that you did a fantastic job!
Kara, I really enjoyed your essay. You clearly stated that both lacrosse and your ipod are extremly important to you and they both play important roles in your life, by letting you get away from things for a while.
You did a really good job of describing lacrosse. I could picture you running down the field and getting the winning goal for your team. I like when you said, "Their footsteps were loud and my heart was pounding as I thrust forward getting faster and faster every step I took." This quote shows how into the game you get.
Overall, I think your strength was description. The way you said things made it seem as if I were with you. When you talked about your ipod and how it zones you out from the rest of the world, I could easily realate to what you were saying.
The one thing I might try to improve on would be to extend on why you value lacrosse and your ipod so much. Other then the that great jobb!!
Kawaa!
In your essay, I felt that I could easily tell what you describing about. How much you value the time when you made a great goal and about how much you love getting into the music on your ipod.
I felt that the lacrosse event was described in depth the best because of how you used vivid descriptions to explain. "I felt as if I could have been there.Their footsteps were loud and my heart was pounding as I thrust forward getting faster and faster every step I took." I liked this quote because I felt that you used good imagery to make the reader to almost experience this event while reading your essay.
I think that your strength was organization. I knew exactly what you were talking about as I read your essay. the paragraphs were in order and nothing was monotonous.
The peice of advice I would have for you would to maybe explain more and expand on both things. I would like to know what your lacrosse stick looks like and what your ipod looks like. Maybe even how often you use your ipod and which seasons/how often do you play lacrosse. Overall, I think this essay was quite dandy if I do say so myself : ) GOOD JOB!
Karaaa! :)
I really like your begining paragraph. I liked how you explained that people waste there money on stupid things and they should be paying attention to the little things you love.
I loved the feeling you put into describing you love for laccrosse. You also did a good job on naming the specificss. " I had just won the playoffs for my team and the feeling was indescribable and I felt if I had just won the World Series." This makes it really easy for me to understand how you felt.
I think your strength would have to be your voice. You did a really good job at keeping me interested in the essay.
Something you need to work on would be making the descriptions just a little bit more explanitory. goood jobbb!!
Kara's Introduction is true. know one really knows the meaning of value. But what i do know is that she values is the fact that she helped get her team win playoffs for lacrosse and her ipod.
i think the best thing she descibred in her essay was the part where she helped her team win the playoffs of lacrosse. the way she says "I raised my arms slightly and put every ounce of energy I had and thrust the ball forward," i can see her making that clear perfect shot.
a strength kara has in her essay is the words she uses like thrust for example, and ounce of energy, and strength and endurance. great choice of words Kara!
i dont think kara really needs to change anything in her essay. i think its great just how it is. maybe she needs to just re-read it and look for errors or things you want to add. otherwise amazing job kara!
Kara's opinion of value is clearly one that revloves around experiences, based on her first paragraph. This also follows suit in the rest of her essay, where she goes on to describe the feelings that lacrosse and her iPod give her.
In her essay, Kara best describes her experience of playing lacrosse. This is apparent because even after she is done telling us about the actual event, she goes on to talk about her background on the subject and her plans for it in the future.
The strongest point made in this essay was when Kara told us about how her two items are similar. Here, she mentioned that they both give her energy and time to think about things. She even shows us again that she values experience over object by saying that she would take playing lacrosse over her iPod.
For things that the essay needs to improve on, I would mention that Kara maybe try to rewrite her paragraph about lacrosse, simply because she tried to fit so much information into one paragraph, when it probably could have been three. I would also suggest giving us a more in-depth look at her iPod, to match the amount of description that she gave us for lacrosse. Nice work!
Kara is saying that the value of something does not lie in its monetary price. The value lies in what that thing means to you.
Kara described playing lacrosse very well. She was thorough, and showed herself actually playing lacrosse.She used good words such as thrust and unstoppable.one good quote was "I raised my arms slightly and put every ounce of energy I had and thrust the ball forward."
In general, the strength of the essay was Kara's introduction. She questions the reader as to what value really is, making them think about it and really get hooked in.
One thing that Kara could do to improve her essay would be to strengthen her Paragraph about going to new york, as it seemed to be very weak to me.
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